Having Bpd and Bipolar is something I didn’t choose to have. Carrying this around is not an easy thing for me to do. I’m medicated, I go to therapy and lately I’ve been feeling so confident in myself. I feel good about how I feel and my emotions. I feel a sense of pride in my appearance. I feel strong. I genuinely smile more.
I felt so good, I thought this was it. This is the height of my journey to healing. I’m here, I’m fixed. I stay medicated and I never have to worry again. Nothing will ever be wrong.
I don’t know why I thought this. Maybe I was so tired of being sick that once I felt different I never wanted it to leave. I never wanted to go back. But my belief was wrong. It was so wrong.
I’m now in this place I can’t explain. I feel scared. I’m not even sure of what. Maybe I’m afraid of being sick again.
Because now, I’m awake when I know I should be asleep. I’m not tired. This should be a happy point for me, a mania of sorts, but it’s not.
I’m sad. For no other reason but being sad. And I never knew what sad felt like until I wasn’t sad anymore and I went back. Maybe I was so used to being sad that I just assumed I was happy. You know like when you get used to a scent you don’t smell it anymore. But now, it’s back and it hurts more.
I wish I had a reason to feel this way. Maybe someone said something mean to me. Maybe I got in a fight with a friend. Maybe something is going wrong.
But there’s nothing. In fact, I had a decent enough day. Not too hectic, not too boring, it was generally a good day.
But now I’m crying, not sobbing, just having tears.
Here’s the thing I don’t like the most.
I am scared to talk to anyone about this. What am I supposed to say to people who say,
“I’m here if you ever need someone.”
Well, what am I supposed to do with that someone? Do I just say,
"Hey…. I’m having a moment. This is happening and there’s no reason to. I just want to talk but I have nothing to say. I want to have company but I don’t want to do anything, but not doing anything makes me feel that I’m joyfulness and the visit was meaningless. I feel like I have to talk about something, anything and all it does is make for dumb stupid conversation that makes me feel judged for my own idiocy."
I can’t say that. Because I know responses would be,
"This will pass. Just keep breathing and it’ll be ok. You’ve done fine and you’ll keep doing fine."
Is it a bitchy thing for me to say that I don’t want to hear that? I don’t want to hear the cookie cutter answers. I want to hear something else that sounds like the person is actually hearing me. That they’re not just putting up with the friend who has this problem and they offered to be a shoulder because its a nice thing to offer due to social norms?
I want to talk to people about this, but I’m afraid to be judged. I’m afraid that they’ll see me as needy. That I’m unstable. That I’m clingy. That I’m high maintenance. That I’m now too crazy to be around. That I’m childish. That I’m irrational. That I’m not working hard enough.
Having the weight of these disorders is some days too much. I feel empty but guilty because I know I have no reason too. I have guilt over little things. Maybe that’s just anxiety and over thinking.
I don’t think I’ll know if I can open up to others about this. Mostly to what the reaction would be. I’m not an attention seeker. I’m not a leech.
I’m afraid that me asking for a small amount of support would make people turn away. That it’ll make others take a step back.
This weight gets heavier than I expected. I don’t want someone to help me lift it. I guess it would be nice to have someone who will say and believe I can lift it on my own. For someone to tell me that I don’t have to lift this weight over my head, that I just have to hold it comfortably to my waist.
At the end of all of this, I feel it didn’t make any sense. I don’t know how to say what I would like from the outside world. That last sentence made me feel selfish and I’m not. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
What I do know is, I’m deeply sad. And I feel alone. I don’t want to be. It’s also no one’s responsibility to reach out to me.
I want something and I want nothing. How is this even possible?